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Episode 4: The Pee Tape

The New Adventures of Justin T. Fairchild, Social Justice Warrior

I walked into my home office and saw the external hard drive on my desk, where it had sat for the better part of two weeks. The hard drive had one file on it: a video that showed Donald Trump engaged in urine-soaked relations with four Russian prostitutes. It was the most powerful weapon that progressives had to dismantle the Trump regime, and I had no idea what to do with it.

Oh, sure, I could have posted it on Facebook. In retrospect, that may have been the smart thing to do. The only problem with that was that it would be posted under my name, and that was the last thing that I wanted. Because of the role that I played in the 2016 primaries, I had been warned by progressive elements in the FBI not to take a visible role in the resistance. Posting the pee tape to social media would be about as visible as such things get. My family and I would immediately become a target for incandescent white supremacist rage. I couldn’t let that happen.

Imagining a Good Message Movie

Hint: First, make a good film

This year’s Oscar-winning The Shape of Water applied this “building a story using only good-think legos” method and managed to squeeze a lot of them into one drippy film. Trouser Trout and the Hot Mute Chick­ –– working title –– was able to hit the trifecta of (allegedly) timeless tropes: saintly black woman is heroic, bad guy is a Bible-quoting sexual abuser who loves torture, and the saintly gay character is the quiet moral guide and center of the film. But wait, there’s more! Bonus points for the communist spy character who turns out to have a heart of gold.