Login Register Our Team Contact FAQs Terms of Use

That’s Using the Ol’ Hill-Noggin! #108

Dear Diary, Just heard about this new dealie for how to make a joke. Let’s say somebody is walking down the street and she/he falls down. Then I say, "Walk much?" Ha! And it works for everything! Biden messes up campaigning, I say, "Campaign much?" Obama screws up being president, I say, "Govern much?" These kids today, so much to learn from their humor. Ever since this Israel thingee started, Bill has been calling my hairdo the "Iron Dome." I told him, "At least there’s something still hard in the […]

Dark and Stormy

For Pat McCarthy They walked into my bar like they owned the place, the Major and this gangly female friend of his he calls "the Loon." The Major says to me, "According to the Internet, you make the best tropical drinks in the state. Do you make your Dark’n’Stormies with the proper Bermudian ingredients?" He’s a bit formal, this guy. I didn’t know his name yet, but I already had him pegged as retired military. Too young for Vietnam, too old for Gulf War II. Hint of a southern accent, […]

The Enforcement of Happiness

In honor of Mr. Harry Reid, who clearly knows exactly what it is to be a black man. "Your one o’clock is already here, Mr. Jackson." Marcus nodded at the intercom while brushing crumbs from his lap. "Five minutes." He straightened his neat red tie using his silver Toastmasters pencil holder as a mirror. Lunch remains went into the trash, the trash into his private bathroom. While there, he indulged in a quick brush with a disposable toothbrush, though he admitted to himself halfway through that part of this was […]

The Lost Daughter

All that day they wandered through a maze of tunnels, some high and dank, some round and dry, sometimes through huge chambers and other times through narrow cracks. The twin ghosts led Estrith unerringly through the maze, and as they went the new ghost grew brighter and more golden, while the original grew ever fainter. At last they reached a long sloped gallery which was dimly lit from a ragged gap above. "Daylight," said Estrith, "looks like you’ve saved me lovey." "Not just yet," said the ghosts together. They led […]

The Lost Daughter

She wept for a long time, but at last could weep no more. She rose to her feet and trudged wearily back into the wood-dwarf’s chambers. She searched for some sustenance, carefully avoiding any meat, then ate and drank without enthusiasm. About half-way through she rose and took up the dead sewer-gob, throwing it into the tombs, then closed the secret door. She went into the pool chamber and stripped away her jerkin and tunic and bathed mechanically. To her surprise the blisters on her hand were healed by the […]

The Lost Daughter

As she explored she found that the building resembled a barn inside as well as out. She saw pens and stalls, some still occupied by undead horses that glared balefully at her but could not free themselves. There was a pile of ancient hay, a plow, and pitchforks and scythes hanging from the rafters. There remained levels above her, she knew, and she could hear the scamper of rats on the ancient wood, but they sounded like live rats, so she didn’t worry overmuch. She didn’t like rats, but they […]

The Lost Daughter

She woke to instant terror. Her memories rushed in on her, and she shuddered uncontrollably. She felt only one cold hand, touching her face very gently, and familiarly. Tears rolled out of her closed eyes. "No, no, no, no," she croaked from a parched throat, "no, lovey, no." "Wake up, little mamma," said a voice, hollow and dead, yet familiar. She wept then, sobs shaking her in the darkness. "Kally," she whispered, "oh my love, no!" "It’s okay little mamma," said the beloved but distant voice in her ear. "You […]

The Lost Daughter

Her open eye saw white and purple phantoms everywhere, and she resisted the temptation to open her left. She scarcely noticed that the temperature had changed dramatically; she shivered before it dawned on her that she felt chilly. She waited, just inside, as the light phantoms faded, and opened her other eye gratefully, but still she could see almost nothing, just a bit of floor and little lines of piled gravel. Since she couldn’t see, she listened, breathing deep to quiet her racing heart. She heard only the blood rushing […]

The Lost Daughter

The unmerciful sun made the valley floor shimmer and dance. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and winced at the pain in her sunburnt shoulders. The burn made the slightest wrinkling of the skin beyond mere discomfort. Her knees hurt even worse, burned almost purple. Exposed by her short skirt, which hiked up even higher as she sat in the saddle astride, her bare legs ought to shame her. She set her jaw and gritted her teeth. No help for it. No time to go back, no time to […]

Not Guilty

Alan MacDuil woke to a terrifying nightmare. At first he didn’t know if he still dreamed, because waking seemed only an extension of his terrifying vision. He lay wearing only a pair of boxer shorts in a ring of glass and steel, and all around him stood strange creatures, things he’d never imagined. He saw several tall, thin monsters with cylindrical bodies, each having six arms ending in claws and three shaggy beast-like beings with eight eyes and shark-like smiles of razor teeth. There were eight beings he recognized from […]