Dear Diary,
Just heard about this new dealie for how to make a joke. Let’s say somebody is walking down the street and she/he falls down. Then I say, "Walk much?" Ha! And it works for everything! Biden messes up campaigning, I say, "Campaign much?" Obama screws up being president, I say, "Govern much?" These kids today, so much to learn from their humor.
Ever since this Israel thingee started, Bill has been calling my hairdo the "Iron Dome." I told him, "At least there’s something still hard in the family." That sent him running right back to the road. Geez, check out the wrinkles on the old coot! He used to get the interns all damp, and now he’s a raincoat away from being the creepy grandpa on the edge of the playground.
Where are our rising young Democratic stars? Time are tough! I’m pretty sure Ronan Farrow just valeted my car–probably practicing for his next career. Here’s a kid in over his head. Give him an interview to do, he looks more panicked than Debbie Wasserman Shultz taking the GED. Speaking of–good grief, that woman needs a stylist. She looks like Art Garfunkel with tits.
Dear Diary, I am genuinely torn on this immigration problem. On the one hand, I welcome a generation of five million new Democratic voters. On the other hand, how much more Spanish am I expected to learn? Once I get past basura for "trash" and the tapas menu at Sunday brunch, I’m pretty much spent. Hey, here’s an idea! A flood of immigrants will create new jobs for Americans as translators! Funny how problems just solve themselves when you turn on the ol’ Hill-Noggin!
So Boehner’s going to sue the president. He ought to sue whoever told him that tan was a good idea. At least I stopped wearing the headbands–does this guy not have a mirror in his house? I’m guessing he went in the first time and said, "I want skin like a Thanksgiving turkey at the three-hour mark in the oven."
Stuff I thought of in the CNN green room:
  • Note to self: get one of those posters with a kitty on a branch where it says, "Hang on, Friday’s coming!" Love that.
  • Ross Douthat needs a new headshot. When did they take that, eighth grade? He looks like a 13-year-old with a six-month moustache.
  • That Tupac musical is closing on Broadway. Well, shit. Now I’ll have to wait for the movie.
  • If no one else will ask it, I will: What’s this Israel thingee liable to do to bagel prices?
  • Which one’s the sweet one, cannoli or cannelloni? Have somebody look that up.
  • The "50 Shades of Grey" trailer is finally here, and, like every woman in America, I am captivated. I so want to be Christian Grey!
Till the ‘morrow,
Chill Pill Hill
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The Super-Top-Secret, Extra-Personal Campaign Diary of Hillary Rodham Clinton is stolen each week by Lari Vine, the nom de guerre of an obscure playwright and screenwriter living in Washington DC. This diary is made possible by the late Richard Nixon, whose assertion that "If the president does it, that means it is not illegal," describes the whole of the justification for everything President Obama does.