Recently
it came to our attention that the U.S. Department of Agriculture has been
dabbling in literature. In a clear sign that its 100,000 employees have far too
little to do, the sprawling federal agency has issued a nauseating children’s
book called "The Two Bite Club," in which a mother cat and her adorable kittens Will and Anna learn to make federally-approved
healthy food choices. According to the USDA website: "Parents or caregivers read the book to children and
encourage them to try foods from each food group by eating just two bites, just
like the characters in the story."

The
PDF is available here: try not to gag on your broccoli.

Naturally
we viewed this as a sinister intrusion of federal power into the sphere of
family life and a gross infringement on our freedom to eat Pop Tarts for
breakfast and snack on salt and vinegar-flavored potato chips while catching up
on Game of Thrones. American patriots bled and died to ensure these sacred
freedoms. So
we resisted in the only way available to us: we asked our community of writers
to sharpen their pens and write their own brief satirical stories. Take that,
USDA!
The hilarious
results are being published over the course of a week, starting with a trio of takeoffs
on the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Enjoy! And be sure to check
back tomorrow for the next batch of stories.

*

The Helpful iPlate of Doom by Marina Fontaine

"Hello. I’m an iPlate, here to help you make healthy food
choices. Please deposit acceptable food and wait for green light to start
eating."

The Bachelor Bears by Dennis Maley

Three bachelor bears lived communally in a cabin deep in a national
park. One bear was undersized, another was a middle-sized bear, and the
last had been overserved. The large bear was almost too big for the
front door of the cabin.

Goldilocks and the Three Bears Coffee Co. by Jack Morgan

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Progressistan, there lived a girl
named Goldilocks, who was considered beautiful by the outdated standards
of the white-supremacist, heteronormative patriarchy. Goldilocks lived
in government subsidized housing on the edge of an enchanted forest and
she would venture out into it to commune with the Earth Goddess daily.

*

Hillary Steinem: Kid Community Organizer and Detective by Dean Anderson

Knock, knock! There was a knock on the club house door. Hillary and Makayla were studying in the clubhouse Hillary’s Grandma Betty had built for her. (When Grandma Betty built the clubhouse, she made sure to follow all of the appropriate city codes and filed for all of the appropriate permits.) Hillary opened the door to see it was Billy! Billy was taking a big bite out of a very large cookie.

The Obedient Courage and Open-Mindedness of Healthy Herbie by Erich Forschler

Healthy
Herbie and his neighbor, Selfish Face, played together in the backyard sandbox
at Selfish Face’s house. "I’m gonna
make a castle and then the knights are gonna have a war!" Selfish Face
exclaimed. His eyes shimmered with racist hatred as he filled a small plastic
bucket with sand.

John Henry Goes to Washington DC by Nick D’Orazio

GRANDDAUGHTER: Did Big John fight the steam drill?
GRANDFATHER: No he didn’t. He marched right up to the government and asked for unemployment. And you know what? He got it too! Because big John Henry was the best there ever was at getting things.

*

Welcome to the Club by Colin Blake

Anna and Will ran inside holding a doll and a ball respectively, not
realizing what a fury that was going to cause among the literati.

The Emperor’s New Accomplishments by Frank Fleming

Long ago in a faraway
land lived an emperor named Obama. He was the greatest emperor the people had
ever known; everyone knew he was the smartest and the most capable emperor that
had ever existed. The only problem was that he had no accomplishments to show
for his greatness.

Johnny and Margie Meet Auntie Sam by John L. Scot

"I don’t like Aunt
Samantha," said Margie. "She’s too bossy.
Why do we have to pay her tribute?"

"Because Auntie Sam
gives us everything," Vanna replied.
"She pays for your education, for our medical care, for retirement, she
keeps us safe, and she even tells what to eat so we can stay healthy."

*

The Good Hood Fairy by Jack July

Once upon a time there was a girl named LaQuisha who lived in the ghetto
outside of Philadelphia. She was watching TV and smiling while imagining her
life as a character in an episode of the Cosby show. Her little brother was in
bed and her Momma wouldn’t be home from the factory till morning. As she
reached for her glass of green Kool-Aid, shots rang out from somewhere outside.
She dove to the floor like her Momma taught her spilling her Kool-Aid.

Abuela’s Healthy Porridge by George Tobin

Ernesto and Herve laughed and held hands on the way to the house of
the kind old woman they called "Abuela" or "Granny." Today the
growing darkness from the North seemed far away. Today was made for
celebrating with whole grains and organic fruits. Today they had no
concerns but to enjoy being young, Sandinista and gay.

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