March
11, 2015

Press
Conference Minutes

A Quick and Painless Remedy For
Unsustainable Social Security and Medicare Costs

(The President of the United States approaches the podium,
cocks head, smiles)

POTUS:

It has recently been brought to my attention that borrowing
money is not actually the same as budgeting. In the six years since I have been commander-in-chief,
not one on my staff has bothered to tell me that. Indeed this is a very upsetting day for me personally and
for the American people because I’m now forced to find money in a legitimate
manner, which isn’t my area of expertise.

(Press laughs enthusiastically)

Luckily, this afternoon, another staff member offered a
‘quick and painless’ solution to our new budget problem. He says the Norwegian government has
been known to seize retirement accounts of greedy Norwegians who have been
squirreling away assets.

(Press ‘boos’ greedy Norwegians)

Shame on those folks for living beneath their means and
keeping their accumulated assets from the people of Norway and their highly
integrated welfare system. Those wealthy older folks did not build those
assets. The working class people of Norway did. Hiding money for later is
nothing short of stealing from the populace as a whole.

(Press claps loudly)

Unfortunately, in the U.S., this kind of problem is not
unusual. Miserly conduct runs rampant
among our retirees. Too many
Americans over 85 years old have been guilty of the same socially repugnant
activities. Namely, receiving
Social Security checks that they don’t need and I intend to put a stop to it. I propose going above and beyond the
Norwegian government policies and help those wealthy Americans over 85 realize
that it’s not too late for them to contribute, to right their wrongs in a
dignified manner.

(Press appears mystified)

People who earn money that they do not need should be held
accountable. I intend to combat
this issue today with the help of my Social Security Commissioner, and in
conjunction with the Department of Health and Human Services Assistant
Secretary For Aging. Because, the
fact is, that the fastest growing segment of our population here in America is
people 85 years old+, and they have the deepest pockets.

Now, many of these folks were hard working, blue collar
individuals who never made a decent wage to allow for savings. However, after reviewing information
provided by the Internal Revenue Service, it seems that there are millions of
85 year olds and older that have significant assets, namely, over one million dollars.

Some of these assets were saved to pay for better eldercare. But this is again, unfair. Why should
these select few have gilded health care while everyone else does not? The fact
is, if the U.S. Government could relieve these folks of their estates, and the
nation as a whole would benefit significantly, especially those who are
struggling. The circle of poverty will cease when the circle of wealth ceases.

Now remember, these millionaire older folks have already
lived lives that are beyond the comfort level of the average individual. They have been given opportunities and
benefits that the rest of you have not been privy to. They are primarily educated, white collar individuals who’s descendants
have had ample opportunity to thrive.
They have no need for additional comfort. They’ve already had the incomparable benefit of being born into
the right families.

There needs to
be a stop to the cycle of generational wealth in this country. With my plan we can create a level
playing field among our citizens.
This new progressive bill will provide additional means to fund welfare,
Social Security and Medicare for those who really deserve it.

Some may disagree with my new plan. But, these estates are essential to the
progression of this democracy. We
need to focus on the future of our young ones and the well being of the collective
as a whole. That is why I will not be sending this proposal to Congress.

I want to add that we need to keep positive. This is not a sad or morbid proposal.
These rich seniors have lived extravagantly. And we will celebrate their latent
contributions across the country with an annual holiday commemorating those who
went on ahead so that others could thrive.

The holiday will be called ‘The National Day of Patriotic
Sleep’. Those over 85 with assets totaling one million or more will be honored
on this national holiday with our immense appreciation and blessings as they
are sent on. I’ll take questions
now…

(President points to young journalist from Al Jazeera
America)

Young Journalist:

"Mr. President, are you proposing euthanasia?"

POTUS:

"Absolutely not.
It is simply induced sleep…predetermined sleep, if you will…"

Young Journalist:

"How will the induced sleep take place?"

POTUS:

"That’s a great question. In my plan to save Social Security and Medicare, the IRS
will provide the information regarding individuals who qualify for induced
sleep, then we’ll coordinate with their Medicare provider. Ideally, we would have everyone go at
once for the inaugural National Day of Patriotic Sleep."

Young Journalist:

"Will family members be allowed to participate in the induced
sleep event?"

POTUS:

"Yes, absolutely.
If the family would like to be present, they are welcomed and encouraged
to do so."

Young Journalist:

"Mr. President, what about families or wealthy older seniors
who refuse the opportunity for induced sleep? What if someone is unwilling to
participate?"

POTUS:

"First of all, I don’t suspect that will be an issue. We are looking at the big picture here,
and the good of all…"

Young Journalist:

"Yes, but Sir, some elderly folks who are in good health may
want to opt-out of the induced sleep.
Can they do so?"

POTUS:

"This is an opportunity for them to leave a lasting legacy,
a generous gift for the future of our great nation…"

Young Journalist:

"Mr. President, I’m the youngest of fourteen. My mother is 87, yet she still drives,
cares for herself, volunteers, and is entirely independent. She doesn’t even take medications…And I’m
not positive, but her assets may be close to one million. I’m certain she would protest this
piece of legislation…"

POTUS:

"Is she a liberal democrat?"

Young Journalist:

"Yes, Mr. President, she is…"

POTUS:

"Then she’s exempt…"

Young Journalist:

"Oh. I
see. Is that going to be a
deciding factor?"

POTUS:

"Not entirely, but we do need to set parameters for
eligibility and personal philosophies may inherently weigh in on these decisions."

Young Journalist:

"That sounds reasonable. Thank you for answering my questions, Mr.
President."

POTUS:

"You’re very welcome. Next question, please. You, over there…"

You Over There:

"Yes, thank you, Mr. President, my question is about
material goods. Will the intended sleepers
be allowed to gift their tangible assets to family and friends…homes, cars,
furnishings, etc."

POTUS:

"First off, let me reiterate that the federal government is
not taking anything. All assets
are being donated by private individuals at the gentle urging of the concerned citizenry. Let’s not use the negative term
‘allow’. Of course families may keep their heirlooms if they have limited
value.

I cannot stress enough that this legislation will benefit families and
children. Services for the needy
will no longer need be rationed. And there is enough capital being horded by
the wealthy 85+ cohort to ensure a balanced budget for the remainder of my term. We also need to remember that the induced
sleep will be voluntary. There
will be absolutely no coercion involved.
It is an honor, a show of social status to qualify for induced
sleep…With the added bonus of benefiting the collective good…"

You Over There:

"So, if an older person doesn’t want the ‘sleep’, he may opt
out?"

POTUS:

"Is he a Christian or Jew?"

You Over There:

"No."

POTUS:

"Then he’s good. He can certainly opt out. Last question…Over there, young man in
the sheer powder blue blouse and 2013 Spring Collection Gucci glasses…"

Blue Blouse Boy:

"Yes, Mr. President, I want to congratulate you on this very
European style of dignified end of life decisions for the wealthy elderly here
in America. But Sir, could you
clarify who may not opt out, in case there is some confusion from the, um,
those unenlightened countrymen of ours…And, will there be forced induced sleep?"

POTUS:

"Son, I appreciate your concern, and your question. I want to reinforce the fact that this
is a privilege and will be seen as such by our elderly patriots…"

Blue Blouse Boy:

"And if it’s not perceived as such by, you know, those
country people who harbor resentment towards you personally and own guns…"

POTUS:

"Nobody’s got more guns than I do. I’ll take that bridge when I get to it."

Blue Blouse Boy:

"Uh, Mr. President.
Don’t you mean I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it?"

POTUS:

"That’s what I said. You must not have heard me."

Blue Blouse Boy:

"Of course, Sir.
Thank you so much for taking my question."

POTUS:

"And thank you. I appreciate you all being here."

(POTUS winks at powder blue shirt, smiles, swaggers out)

(Press bows as he passes by)