Dear Diary,
So now I’m a grandmother. Changed my match.com status from MILF to GILF. Not changing my AFF status, tho. Huma says Anthony told her that nobody on there looks past the pictures.
Let’s hope Charlotte got her genes from me and not from her other grandmother, Marjorie Margolies-Mezvinsky. First, the old bat married a criminal (okay, we tie on that one); second, she loses elections like some old ladies collect cats; and third, she looks like she was dressed by homeless Wiccans digging in the flannel bin at a thrift store on the Lower East Side. Sheesh, MMM makes Debra Wasserman-Shultz look on the ball.
Oh, diary, it’s amazing how you pop out a baby and people see only what they want to see. My grandchild will live in a $10 million condo in Manhattan and her father makes a mint pretty much every hour working on Wall Street. That’s right, sheeple, keep believing the Democrats are the party that’s gonna take on Wall Street. If you can’t see the conflict here, I’m happy to exploit your delusions. Vote!
On a personal note, little Charlotte really is a beauty, and her little shana punim has everything a new grandma loves: sweet-colored cheeks that will really pop in HD, eyes that will photograph well at any focal length, and a smile that a focus group can’t resist. She is the answer to my deepest hopes.
And the timing? Perfect, with little Charlotte arriving just before my big Planned Parenthood speech. Here’s the killer closer: "In conclusion"–I always put that in so they know to get ready to clap–"throughout Chelsea’s pregnancy, I was comforted by the knowledge that my daughter could have just whooshed that baby away for any health-related reason, such as incontinence, or not quite fitting in a party dress. And while my sisters and ladylike brothers here at Planned Parenthood know that, like breastfeeding, abortion is the best choice, another baby born to white parents of means will in no way burden our troubled planet, unless you count living space and jet travel. Plus it’ll look pretty good when she takes her first steps around November 2016, am I right? Not that I’ve made a decision."
Bonus! The Planned Parenthood gals threw a baby shower for Chelsea right after. What a haul:
*A onesie that says "I’m a child AND a choice!" on the front and "Phew! Got out of there just in time!" on the back;
*An assortment of bottle nipples in different skin tones to teach diversity from Day One;
*A moon cup for when the time comes;
*Autographed picture of Chaz Bono;
*My Little Pony birth control pills (they’re already testing it in some markets–great idea!);
*A coloring book ("My First Abortion"–who knew?); and
*Something like a thousand condoms!
Sandra Fluke was there–so good to see her finding employment, especially in the highly competitive food service industry. I’ve never seen canapes delivered so smartly. Also, one of my heroes, Peter Singer, dropped by with a gift just for Chelsea: a noose, plus a note that said, "If she gets out of hand, in my book you still have time, ha, ha!" (I had to look that one up.)
It is good to be such close friends with the intellectual leaders of my party, and my era.
Forward!
HRC
The Super-Top-Secret, Extra-Personal Campaign Diary of Hillary Rodham Clinton is stolen each week by Lari Vine, the nom de guerre of an obscure playwright and screenwriter living in Washington DC. This diary is made possible by a grant from Roman Castevet, who keeps bringing Chelsea tannis root and offering to move her to the Dakota.