They got some big wild hogs in Beauchamp County. ﾠThe one that ﾑet my sister weighed 998 pounds. ﾠLord strike me if Iﾒm lyinﾒ. ﾠRose Marie weighed 95. ﾠShe was twelve when that hog ﾑet her. ﾠShe was out behind the shed planting violets when that hog charged out the brush like a runaway truck and snapped her neck and dragged her off.
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ Ma and Pa had gone to Morrisonville for seed and victuals, and my older brothers Ned and Ethan were helping Uncle Lamar shingle his barn. ﾠI was in the kitchen oiling my catcherﾒs mitt when I heard Rose Marie yip once and then what sounded like a roto-rooter. ﾠIt was a bad sound filled with pops and rips. ﾠI ran back behind the shed just in time to see that hog drag little Rose Marie into the brush.
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ I stood there shakinﾒ and cryinﾒ for awhile. Then I went in the house and called everyone I could think of. ﾠI called Ma and Pa. ﾠI called Uncle Lamar. ﾠI called Sheriff Dougherty. ﾠThey all come back at the same time and the sheriff come with lights flashinﾒ. ﾠNed and Ethan drove their 150s. ﾠUncle Lamar drove his Jeep. ﾠMa and Pa were in the Magnum. ﾠThere was a lot of dust. ﾠEverybody was screaming and crying.
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾓThis is a public safety issue,ﾔ Sheriff said. ﾠﾓIﾒm going to round up some good olﾒ boys and find thet hog and string it up.ﾔ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ Pa sidled up to Sheriff and poured quiet strength down on him. ﾠﾓWeﾒll take care of this killer hog, Simon. ﾠWe got thet right.ﾔﾠ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ Those boys played gin rummy with each other every Saturday for the past twenty years. ﾠSheriff looked away first. ﾠﾓI reckon thatﾒs your right, Joe Lee. ﾠBut youﾒd better hop right on it before thet hog decides to eat somebody elseﾒs little girl.ﾔ ﾠ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ Lamar pulled his thirty-ought-six from the cab rack and fed it some cartridges. ﾠNed and Ethan ran up to the house and came back with an SKS and an AK-47. ﾠPa got his Smith & Wesson .357. ﾠAnd I got my Desert Eagle .50. ﾠMy grandpa Jeb Lee got me thet gun for my fourteenth birthday and I could think of no more fitting use for it than killing the hog thet ﾑet my sister.ﾠ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ Now you may ask yourself what business a fourteen-year-old boy has huntinﾒ down and shooting a sister-eatinﾒ hog. ﾠI got my first gun when I was ten. ﾠThat was a .410 shotgun with which I brung down many a quail we had for dinner. ﾠYou cook them in a mud nest, takes the feathers right off. ﾠI been huntinﾒ with Ned and Ethan since I was six. ﾠIﾒd hold their ammo and their lunch for ﾑem.
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ Since I was the acting man of the house at the time, it was my right and duty to avenge my little sister who was so kind she would not step on an ant.ﾠ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ While we was gathering and checking loads this woman shows up in a smart pant suit with a cornrowed cameraman. ﾠI see her coming toward me with perfect silver hair and that guy behind her aiming the video camera at me like Iﾒm on the Jerry Springer Show.
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾓCody,ﾔ she says. ﾠﾓIﾒm Amy Probst for KDOC in Birmingham. ﾠCan you tell us what happened?ﾔ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾓAinﾒt much to tell,ﾔ I said. ﾠﾓI heard Rose Marie screaminﾒ and by the time I got back there all I saw was thet hog pullinﾒ her into the woods. ﾠLeft a blood slick on the grass.ﾔ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾓAnd what are you going to do about it?ﾔ she asks.
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ I held up my Desert Eagle next to my face. ﾠﾓIﾒm gonna find thet sumbitch and kill it.ﾔﾠ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ Pa saw what was going on and told her to get the hell off his property. ﾠNaturally thet woman turned the camera on Pa and before you knew it he was telling her itﾒs a crying shame these hogs are allowed to eat little girls but by God this one is going to pay.
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ Well Pa got out the walkie-talkies and handed them out. ﾠWe were about ready to take off when Paﾒs friend Nick Plakias, proprietor of Plakiasﾒ Pita Paradise, rolls up in his Lincoln Navigator with a custom Henry elephant gun he got in England for fifteen thousand dollars.ﾠ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾓI want a piece of it, Joe Lee! ﾠShe was my god daughter and I want a piece of it!ﾔ ﾠNick saw it on TV and come right over. ﾠThatﾒs the quality of friends we had.ﾠ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ So there we were, Pa, Lamar and Nick in Nickﾒs Navigator, Ethan, Ned and me in Ethanﾒs jacked-up 150, and enough firepower to take over Guatemala. ﾠMa come running down at the last minute with a sack filled with sandwiches and coffee in a thermos for everybody.ﾠ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ Pa yelled, ﾓLetﾒs go, boys!ﾔ ﾠEthan hit the MP3 player and blasted ﾓSweet Home Alabamaﾔ all over the news crews, the sheriffﾒs deputies, the whole gang of lookee-loos who gather everﾒ time a giant hog chows down on some poor little girl.
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾓSay Ethan!ﾔ I yelled above the Skynyrd. ﾠﾓHow we going to sneak up on thet hog if youﾒre playing records at 125 decibels?ﾔ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ He saw what I was getting at and shut it off and turned on the radio. ﾠﾓThe family of the little girl killed by a feral hog is hunting the creature down. ﾠFor those of you just joining us, twelve-year-old Rose Marie Dixon of rural Beauchamp County was planting violets this morning when a feral hog seized her, instantly crushing her fragile skull in its monstrous pig jaws before fleeing into the underbrush with the body. ﾠSheriff Daugherty said, ﾑItﾒs only right the Dixons take care of their own. ﾠI know the whole county will sleep easier when this hog is apprehended.ﾒ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾓDonﾒt you mean killed, Sheriff?ﾔ the reporter asked.
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾓIsnﾒt that what I said?ﾔﾠ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ There was a dirt road run into the woods a couple mile but no guarantee thet hog had took it. ﾠRose Marieﾒs blood was plain enough, but then we come to thet rolling scrubland, pine pricklers so thick you canﾒt run a car back there. ﾠWe had to get out and start some serious tracking. ﾠPa taught me how to read spore and broken twigs, how to follow game deep into its territory.
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ By now it was late afternoon. ﾠThe ground was kind of mossy and I could see the monsterﾒs hoof prints. ﾠI raced through the forest leaping over vines and roots, Ned and Ethan running right after and urging me to slow down.
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ Those woods backed up against a state forest. ﾠPretty soon I saw a glimmer through the trees and headed that way, on account of feral hogs being attracted to bright, glittery objects, like magpies or girlfriends. ﾠI got there a few steps ahead of Ned and Ethan. ﾠIt was an official Watchapatchi State Forest parking lot with a bright shiny new Toyota Highlander Hybrid, its ass end plastered with bumper stickers. ﾠThey said, ﾓMEAT STINKS!ﾔ ﾠﾓPEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF ANIMALS." ﾠ"COEXIST," with a lot of funny religious symbols for letters. ﾠ"YOU CAN’T HUG A CHILD WITH NUCLEAR ARMS."
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ We stopped there to catch a breather and eat some lunch. ﾠPretty soon Nick, Pa, and Lamar showed up on a dirt road and we all stood in a circle eating sandwiches and talking ﾑbout what we were going to do.
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ Nick spat on the Hybridﾒs tire. ﾠﾓPETA!ﾔ he said. ﾠﾓWell I got a bumper sticker too! ﾠﾑEAT A PETA PITA!ﾒﾔﾠ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ I felt the hood. ﾠStill warm. ﾠWe all knew why it was there. ﾠNow we had a race on, ﾑcause sure as God made little green apples one of those animal rights people was going to step up to thet hog and try to baby-talk to it and get ﾑet.ﾠ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ Only time I ever had any truck with ﾑem animal rights people was in the sixth grade. They got permission to come into our school and try to frighten the bejesus out of us with pictures of slaughterhouses and chickens in cages and such. ﾠThey didnﾒt get much traction though, because every sixth grader in the Beauchamp County School District is required to take a guided tour of the Beauchamp Meat Packing Company, so stripped carcasses and blood running down drains was old hat to us.ﾠ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ I swear, youﾒd think those people never dressed a deer or nothinﾒ.
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ Those PETA people left a trail like an irrigation ditch. ﾠStupid as they was, they was setting themselves up for a big chow down. ﾠLike I said, Rose Marie only weighed ninety-five, hardly more than a light snack to thet monster hog.ﾠ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ I took off again with Ned and Ethan behind me. ﾠBy now it was almost dusk but that trail was too big to lose. ﾠI come around a corner and see four PETA people stretched across the trail with their hands like a traffic cop. ﾠTwo gals and two guys. ﾠThey werenﾒt the Dixie Chicks. ﾠOne woman was short and chunky with a military haircut and a nose ring, not unlike bulls I seen at the county fair. ﾠIf Lamar hadnﾒt showed me how to sex chickens, I would not have known it was a she. ﾠThe other woman was tall and lanky with a military haircut and a stud in her chin. ﾠOne guy was spindle shaped and had a scruffy little beard and mustache like heﾒd been living too long in the sticks. ﾠThe other looked like an overripe dandelion in a red nylon windbreaker.ﾠ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ They were each holding a red flag.
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾓStop!ﾔ yelled the nose ring.
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾓCominﾒ through!ﾔ I yelled, bringing my pistol up in front of my face like a hood ornament. ﾠThey broke like spooked quail and thrashed into the underbrush. ﾠSeconds later Ned and Ethan pounded through waving their hardware.
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ I knew we were close. ﾠI could smell thet hog. ﾠI saw one of Rose Marieﾒs shoes, didnﾒt stop to pick it up. ﾠNed and Ethan right behind a whoopinﾒ and a hollerinﾒ. ﾠAnd right behind them come the PETA people waving red flags, banging on tambourines, and singing ﾓWe shall overcome.ﾔ ﾠThey must have had a real quick committee-type meeting and voted to give chase, bravely putting their own lives in danger to save the sister-eatinﾒ, murderinﾒ hog.ﾠ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ Swear to God.
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ I came to a woodfall, a ten-foot birdﾒs nest made of thorns. ﾠI could hear that old hog layinﾒ in there, huffing and chuffing. ﾠI could smell him. ﾠBut I couldnﾒt see him, and it would have been plum foolish to go looking for him in there. ﾠWe all know about Brﾒer Rabbit and the Briar Patch, and I werenﾒt no rabbit. ﾠ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ I pulled up short and waited for Ned and Ethan, whoﾒd run right through the PETA people and stood by me as we figured out our next move. ﾠThen the PETA people caught up with us.
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾓBest stay away from that copse, maﾒam,ﾔ I kindly told the nose ring. ﾠﾓThat hogﾒs in there and heﾒs a man-eater.ﾔ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ They huddled and murmured. ﾠThey took up positions at the four corners of the compass around that deadfall, with nose ring facing us.
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾓWeﾒre sorry about your sister,ﾔ she said. ﾠﾓBut the hog was doing what comes naturally. ﾠWeﾒre all Mother Earthﾒs creatures.ﾔ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾓMe too, maﾒam,ﾔ I said. ﾠﾓIﾒm just doing what comes naturally.ﾔ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ Ned grinned. ﾠﾓEthan and me, we taught thet boy how to hunt.ﾔ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾓWell Iﾒm sorry,ﾔ the nose ring said, ﾓbut youﾒll have to go through us to get to thet hog. ﾠAnd there are more of us on the way.ﾔ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ As if on signal, five skeezy looking people blowing whistles and waving red flags trooped out of the woods and joined the first four. ﾠThey tried to join hands but they didnﾒt quite stretch all the way around.
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ I looked at Ned. ﾠﾓWhat we gonﾒ do, Ned?ﾔ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ He grinned again. ﾠﾓJust sit tight, little brother, and get ready to shoot.ﾔﾠ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ Nose ring confronted us defiantly. ﾠI thought, clean her up a little, give her some decent clothes, sheﾒd still be ugly as a horned toad.
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾓThere will be no slaughter of wild pigs today!ﾔ she declared Huey Long-like. ﾠAnd they sang, ﾓWe Shall Overcome.ﾔ ﾠAnd they sang, ﾓKumbaya.ﾔ ﾠAnd they sang, ﾓThe Internationale.ﾔﾠ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ With a snort like a sucking drain the giant hog broke weed behind her, clamped its big pig jaws over her right pelvis and dragged her screaming into the brush like a turd-brown submarine tussling with a sucker fish.ﾠ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾓGo get ﾑim, Cody Lee!ﾔ Ethan sang but I was way ahead of him. ﾠNose ring was screaming, grabbing at trees, slowing that big pig down so I run right up on ﾑem, laid the muzzle of my .50 Desert Eagle on one little pig eye and let fly. ﾠWhop! ﾠLike to blow a chunk the size of a softball out the back of its head. ﾠIt kept on skittling backwards like some insect part ainﾒt got the message that the brain is dead.
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ So I let ﾑim have another right through the top of his pig skull, which hit the ground with a thump and let go the PETA person. ﾠShe was pretty well gone by then. ﾠHad to bring an ambulance and Ethan and Ned had to pack her out ﾑcause there werenﾒt no roads where we was at.
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ They got her in a helo but she died on the way to the hospital.
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ Now thereﾒs a play about her. ﾠClyda Rosewoman. ﾠIn Hogzilla, they call her Deirdre Donderosa. ﾠI think sheﾒs played by Janeane Garofalo.ﾠ
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ Later, we got a backhoe in there and strung that pig up and you can see me and thet hog on my Facebook page. ﾠSince then I have got a shit load of hate mail. ﾠPeople wantinﾒ to sodomize me with a rhino horn and such. ﾠAll on account I shot thet hog that ﾑet my sister.
ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ ﾠ
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Mike Baron is the creator of Nexus and Badger, two of the longest-lived independent comic book superheroes. ﾠHe woke up one day and found himself writing novels.