Disney owns the entertainment multiverse. If they haven’t already popped out some animated or kids show about some age old story, they will at some point. Yet the big trend in the entertainment industry is to try to remake any old thing. Disney now is trying with Home Alone. That’s a mistake, but there are ways to make it more relevant for the modern day.

 

About Home Alone

We had 2 Home Alone films starring Macaulay Culkin, Joe Pesci, Daniel Stern, John Heard and Catherine O’Hara. Home Alone 3 followed the original premise (kid defending a home against thieves) but with an all new character.  It wasn’t the best thing in the world. Then we had 1 franchise movie that tried to use some of the original characters, but not with the original actors.  This one was made for TV.

Then a 5th one that also was a made-for-TV movie with yet another spinoff cast. The whole kid getting abandoned home alone over Christmas followed by the parents panic and try to rush back while the kid is going G-rated Rambo on a bunch of bad guys and reuniting with the family at the last moment isn’t such a big deal anymore thanks to modern technology.

For example, thanks to technology and the Internet you can now:

– Monitor your home from anywhere in the world.  There are plenty of home surveillance systems that let you answer the door when someone rings the bell even if you’re getting a suntan in the Caribbean.

– How about getting a service like Lyft or Uber to pick your kid up and bring them to the airport just in case you forgot the kid?

– Hire a weekend babysitter or nanny at the last moment via an app, and now you aren’t guilty of child abandonment.

– Visit websites for bookings of flights we’ve had since before 2000.  Odds are your kid can book a replacement flight (trust me, 50-50 chance your kid already has your passwords and credit card numbers better memorized than you do) and still catch up to you.

Even then, the parents might actually prefer to be away from the kid just as much as the kid wants to be away from the parent. With all the online activities available, your kid could pretty well just camp for a week with Netflix and online gaming and hardly even notice you were gone (assuming the kid even notices you when you’re even home…)  As long as there is food in the fridge and the power doesn’t go out, they’ll probably be fine. For legal purposes, you may need a sitter in the house camped out in another room doing the same thing.

But what would be a more modern story for someone like the Hallmark Channel or some politically correct network look like?

 

Act 1

Our young Alex/Kevin/Max awakens to a household where his [insert modern politically correct parental units] parents have gone away, leaving him all alone in the upper middle class home.  He’s barely even phased when he remembers that “oh yeah, family vacation thing.” He’s shrugging it off as he goes down to the kitchen for noontime breakfast and start in on his gaming. He knows how to nuke pizza in the fridge, whether he’s 8 or 12.

On the airplane at cruising altitude, the parents suddenly panic at the realization that their son is not with them. The two quickly call their son and interrupt his gaming/movie session to tell him to get Uber/Lyft to come pick him up. They say it will take him to the airport in time to get the next departing flight that they’ve already booked via an app/website.

Within 10 minutes, the child has the transportation and is packed with all the basic electronic essentials any 2010s kid could possibly need:  their smart phone, a tablet device and the chargers. A toothbrush and change of pants are thrown in before closing the suitcase.

Alas for the parents, Child Protective Services have already found out there was a child alone. One of the older siblings posted about the parental panic on social media, and a family friend confirmed the child was home alone looking through a window/local webcam. By the time Alex/Kevin/Max has made it to the airport and through TSA security, he’s detained on a protective order. A returning flight has brought his irresponsible parents home. They will now stand trial for criminal negligence, child abandonment, and a whole host of other charges. This is while the kid watches CPS take them away, and the older sibling is posting videos online about the horror.

 

Act 2

Fast forward a few days, and Christmas Day has arrived. Alex/Kevin/Max has been placed in the care of a middle class, multi-ethic, non-denominational faith family who is trying their best to provide for the boy’s emotional needs. Even they admit that things are a little extreme, and he shouldn’t worry. After all, he’d only been home alone a few hours, and it wouldn’t have been a crime if his parents hadn’t hit international waters. Even they are certain that this whole fiasco will be over soon.

Before the young boy can settle in for the short term, a group of [insert politically acceptable target group of villains] break into the house. They are covered head to toe in masks and armed with guns.  They proceed to kill/rob the foster family.

The boy who had been hiding away at the time in the game room and fled deeper into hiding at the sound of the gunshots is found by one of the robbers. When the robber attempts to shoot the boy, all that is heard is repeated ‘click’ from the gun. The robber and would-be murderer laughs with delight at irony before another one of the robbers comes in.

He, too, tries to shoot the young boy, and once again nothing but a ‘clickety-click’ is heard. One of the robbers leans in closely, while laughing heartily, saying “Must be a mother ******ing Christmas miracle for ya” and the group merrily leave the young man, but they are taking with them anything of value from the home. He doesn’t know whether or not it is better that they didn’t recognize him from his viral social media status.

 

Act 3

A year has passed, and it is Christmas once again. Young Alex/Kevin/Max is a year older. His parents have him back after he spent several months in foster care. They have jobs, but they work double shifts while engaging in split shift parenting. They’re off working most of the time to pay legal bills. When one parent is home, they’re asleep most of the time. They’ve disconnected most of the devices so that they have privacy. It feels like an Amish punishment. This is actually considered a good thing, given that so much has happened to him.

Poor Alex/Kevin/Max is not on social media anymore. His parents banned that due to his older sibling’s excessive sharing. They also downgraded to dialup internet, claiming it is a cost saving. His current family’s internet connection doesn’t even have the bandwidth to even handle the “retro” MMOs, let alone stream him playing them. Yes, it is Christmas time, and our boy, is truly Home Alone. This is a modern Christmas comedy-horror movie.

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Photo by s_herman