LaQuisha
knocked softly before walking into her sixteen year old daughter’s room. It was beautifully decorated with a canopy bed, white furniture and two-toned peach
walls with decorative chair rails and crown molding. It was the bedroom girls
dream about. The ceiling fan was set to low, and it threw a spinning shadow
around the room. "Rudy? Are you okay?

Rudy nodded
but said nothing.

"Come on
now, you can tell your Momma."

Rudy sat
quietly for a moment and then said, "Why don’t boys like me?"

Oh, there it is, thought LaQuisha. Out
loud, she said, "You know better than that. I see the way boys look at you at
the mall. There must be a certain boy….You wanna share?"

"Eldrick at
the Whole Foods. He rolled his eyes at me while I was checking out."

"Yes, well,
Rudy. There are not many young girls buying kale and arugula."

"But Momma,
that’s the way the First Lady says we should eat. I’ve lost three pounds in two
weeks."

"Yes, baby,
and I wish you would put those pounds back on. Thing is, the First Lady doesn’t
know much about food or cookin’. I’m sure she means well, but honey, she
couldn’t find her way around the kitchen with a map."

Rudy’s eyes
grew wide. "What are you saying?" she asked.

"Climb
under the covers and let Momma tell you a bedtime story."

"I think
I’m a little old for that," said Rudy, but she was smiling a little.

"Not this
one," LaQuisha said while fluffing Rudy’s pillow. She took a deep breath and
began, "Once upon a time, there was a girl named LaQuisha."

Rudy cut
her off. "Hey, that’s your name."

"Do not
interrupt me," said LaQuisha. She reached to tickle Rudy, who let out a big
laugh.

"Now,
once upon a time there was a girl named LaQuisha who lived in the ghetto
outside of Philadelphia. She was watching TV and smiling while imagining her
life as a character in an episode of the Cosby show. Her little brother was in
bed and her Momma wouldn’t be home from the factory till morning. As she
reached for her glass of green Kool-Aid, shots rang out from somewhere outside.
She dove to the floor like her Momma taught her spilling her Kool-Aid.

"I AM SO
SICK OF THIS!" LaQuisha said out loud.

"I want a
home. I want to live like the Huxtables. Why can’t I live like the Huxtables?"

LaQuisha
stood up after the commotion died down and walked over to her mother’s what-not
cabinet. Inside was a little ceramic angel. Her Momma said it was lucky so she
held it, closed her eyes and made a wish. When she opened her eyes nothing had
happened, so she cleaned up the spilled Kool-Aid and went to bed. No sooner had
she closed her eyes when the bed began to shake. LaQuisha sat up as a glowing
circle appeared on the wall. It grew bigger and bigger until she saw a form
trying to crawl through it. It was a fat woman, a short fat woman in a bright
yellow muumuu with a lace wig and a glowing rhinestone crown. She struggled
mightily until she finally popped through the hole and fell to the floor.

"GOT
DAMMIT," She yelled. "I’M CALLIN’ THE GOT DAM GOOD FAIRY UNION. THEY WILL BE
MAKING THIS HOLE BIGGER!"

Jumping to
her feet, almost like an athlete, she looked around the room. "You LaQuisha?"

"Yes. Who
are you?" asked LaQuisha, shocked but strangely unafraid.

"I am the
Good Hood Fairy," the short, fat woman said, proudly taking a small curtsy.

"The who?"

"The Good —
wait, didja make a wish on the angel?" asked the Good Hood Fairy.

"The what?"

"The angel,
the little angel. Are you deaf or sumptin’?"

"No, yes, I
made the wish."

"Okay then,
get yo ass up, we got shit ta do."

"Why do you
swear so much?"

"Do I look
like mutha fukin’ Tinkerbell?

"No ma’am."

"No ma’am,
that’s right. Now get yo ass up."

LaQuisha
followed the fairy into the kitchen. The fairy began going through all the
cabinets looking for something. "Where’s the baking stuff?" she asked.

"We don’t
bake," said LaQuisha.

"Wutch you
mean, you don’t bake? What the hell do you eat?"

LaQuisha
pointed to the freezer and the fairy opened it. Pot pies, frozen pizzas and
frozen dinners were all that was seen "What in the name of all that is good
is this shit?"

"It’s what
we eat."

The Fairy
looked at the floor, shaking her head. "Okay, baby, I know you’re a good girl.
Bad girls don’t get fairies. Now listen up; you wanna live like the Huxtables?
No shit? You got to do one thing and do it well. Learn to make a buttermilk
biscuit."

"A what?"
said LaQuisha.

"Once
again, are you deaf?"

LaQuisha
shook her head as the fairy continued. "Baby, if you wantin’ to live like a
Huxtable, you gonna need a strong partner. By strong, I mean smart and as good
a boy as you are a girl. They ain’t a whole bunch of good boys out there, but
you CAN get you one if you pay attention. You got one in mind?"

"Yes,
ma’am. There is this boy, he plays piano at the church…"

"WHOA GIRL,
plays piano? At the church? That’s a smart one ’cause that piano playin’ shit
is hard. Okay, here’s the thing. What does a good boy love more than anything
in the world?"

LaQuisha
shrugged her shoulders and said, "I don’t know, what?"

"His momma
and his grandmomma. We he comes in yo house smelling them biscuits, he gonna
smell his momma and grandmomma’s house and BANG! You right in that love circle.
The sense of smell is very powerful for a man, takes them to a different place
and time."

Suddenly in
her hand appeared a wand. Well, not really a wand but a radio antenna broken
off a Buick Electra 225. Her head began to bob as she twirled the wand in the
air yelling, "GIMME GIMME GIMME WHAT I NEED!"

Then Poof! On the kitchen counter there
appeared several items. "There it is, baby, the Holy Trinity of Man Catchin’:
flour, lard and buttermilk. Time to GET BUSY!"

For the
rest of the night till early in the morning, they baked pan after pan of
biscuits, until the final pan was fluffy and mouth watering. LaQuisha was
proud. Then the Fairy said, "Oh, honey, we ain’t done yet."

Once again
the wand was waved and the chant spoken. Sausage appeared, along with a cast
iron pan. "Baby, it’s time to make some sausage gravy."

The fairy
showed LaQuisha how to brown the sausage, breaking it up then draining the
excess grease. "Don’t dump all the grease, we gonna need a little," she said.

They put
the sausage aside, sprinkled in flour, browned it in the grease, added milk,
and stirred till it was thickened. Then they added back the sausage. "Don’t
forget the pepper, baby. It needs some zing."

They
finished and both took a little taste. LaQuisha couldn’t believe she had made
anything that good. "There it is, baby.
Now you’re on your own. The Good Hood Fairy will be watchin’ over you. Good
luck."

She twirled
her wand and disappeared.

LaQuisha
sprang up in her bed. Wow, what a dream! Then
suddenly she heard her mother calling. She was home from work. LaQuisha walked
into the living room and there sat her mother with a plate of biscuits and
gravy. "Girl, I don’t know where you learned how to do this, but DAAAMMMNN!!!
And where you get that cast iron pan?"

Rudy shook
her head. "Really, Momma , you make Daddy biscuits and gravy every Sunday
morning. You expect me to believe Daddy married you for biscuits and gravy?"

"Well, I
was a good Christian girl and the Law Degree didn’t hurt but yeah, I believe it
was the coup de grace."

"Goodnight,
Momma," said Rudy. Off in the distance she heard her Daddy practicing the piano
for Sunday services.

LaQuisha
started to close Rudy’s door when Rudy called out, "Momma, would you teach me
to make biscuits?"

LaQuisha
smiled and said, "Honey, I thought you would never ask."

The End