Sully was on a Boy Scout camping trip in New Hampshire the first time he heard Rhapsody in Blue. It was after lights out, although the boys continued to giggle and pass a rubber rat from bag to bag. As they dropped off one by one into sleep, music floated in the rustic window from a counselor's cabin, faint, mysterious, and overwhelming. Sully poked himself with his Boy Scout knife to stay awake for fifteen minutes after the performance, so he could learn the name of the piece.

Sully's mother swore she'd played Gershwin for him in her womb and that he was born singing but that's a mother for you. Sully worshipped Gershwin above all others.

Being the only son of a single mother whose husband died of a heart attack while delivering the mail, Sully stayed on well past the point when most young people flee the nest. His mother needed him. She'd gone to pieces since Stan died and couldn't put together a grocery list much less drive to the store.

Sully got a job straight out of high school driving trucks for Schroeder Mobile Meals. This proved a benefit in more ways than one. Schroeder's breakfast menu included "Sausage patties and apple/cinnamon French toast sticks, serves 8." The lunch menu featured "the light Italian lunch (serves 2,)" and "drumsticks, veggies, and whole strawberries for 9." Dinner was Schroeder's specialty. Sully and his mom often dined on the "marinated salmon and asparagus spears," even when they didn't have to. Schroeder's had a Kosher menu, and were working feverishly on their Moslem menu.

Sully took night classes at the Berklee Institute in Boston, commuting each day from his home in Somerville, sometimes in the company truck. He studied piano. He wanted to play Gershwin.

With proceeds from his job as a driver for Schroeder Mobile Meals, Sully purchased an old Yamaha upright which took over the front parlor in their three-decker. A boarder occupied the basement apartment. Sully had seen the pious young man praying through the window.

Sully never wanted to become a professional musician. He only wanted to play Gershwin, setting his sights on Rhapsody in Blue. It was an ambitious target. Halfway through his second year his instructor said, "Son, you're wasting your money."

Sully turned his enthusiasm toward collecting. He had over 2000 CDs devoted to Gershwin and his music. One day while cataloging he heard Rhapsody in Blue from his mother's bedroom. Rushing in, he stopped cold in the doorway, eyes falling on the never silent television.

As Rhapsody in Blue played, cartoon businessmen boarded cartoon airplanes and flew to cartoon capitals.

"What the fuck is this?" he demanded.

"Sully," his mother said from the bed where she was swaddled like an Inuit embarking on a seal hunt. "There's no need to use that kind of language."

"I'm sorry, Mother. I just can't believe these bastards have hijacked Gershwin!"

"Oh grow up. They've been doing it for years."

Sully researched the problem on his computer. The vampires acquired the song in 1987. They'd been whoring Gershwin out for over thirty years! Could the culture have become so debased that people didn't even know the song? Did they think it was the "United Jingle?"

Tumblers fell into place. Complex mechanisms clicked and joined in perfect harmony. Sully hummed like a generator. Life had purpose.

Mr. Randall Iverson

President and CEO of United Airlines

Dear Mr. Iverson:

I am writing to humbly request you stop using George Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue as your commercial jingle. Mr. Gershwin never intended his masterpiece for use as an advertisement. It is not as if you purchased the rights to a Rolling Stones, or even a Bare Naked Ladies song. Mr. Gershwin is part of our cultural patrimony. I consider him to be the greatest of American composers.

If United were to voluntarily stop using Rhapsody, you would be the recipient of overwhelming goodwill from music lovers around the world. Artists and musicians will make a point of booking on your airline. You can pick up something modern for a song, if you'll forgive the pun.

I personally would be willing to write you a new jingle, perhaps not as brilliant as Mr. Gershwin's, but fully capable of drawing people's attention in a pleasant way toward your service. I am a life-long musician and recent graduate of the Berklee School of Music.

I remain, your obedient servant,

Sully Mackie

1439 Eich St.

Somerville, MA 02158

Sully mailed the letter registered with a confirmation card. Five days later he received the confirmation card in the mail. It was only a matter of time before United contacted him! Sully spent hours noodling away on the Yamaha playing with lyrics.

Two weeks later he came to the grim conclusion that he'd been blown off. He phoned United, was put on hold for forty-five minutes but when his moment came he made the most of it. A robotic female instructed him to make his selections from the following menu.

"BRRRRPPLL!" he replied trying to approximate the sound of a Bronx cheer.

"I'm sorry," the robotic voice said. "I didn't catch that last part. Would you repeat that please?"

"BRRRRPPLL!"

"I'm sorry. "I didn't catch that last part. Would you repeat that please?"

"BRRRRPPLL!"

"Would you like to speak to a United agent?"

"YES!"

"One moment please."

Within a half hour he had made considerable progress.

"This is Gretchen. How can I help you?"

"I need to speak with Mr. Iverson. It's important."

"To whom am I speaking?"

"Sully Mackie. I sent the letter about Gershwin."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Mackie. Mr. Iverson is presently occupied. I'm Mr. Iverson's executive secretary. Why don't you tell me your problem."

He told her.

"Yes, Mr. Mackie, I can understand your concern, but it might help you to better understand our position if you know that United gives generously to several major symphony orchestras including the New York Philharmonic. We support Gershwin. I'm sure most of our customers are aware that Gershwin wrote our theme song."

"I doubt that."

"Well I assure you, Mr. Mackie, that United is doing everything in its power to honor and respect Gershwin."

"HA!"

"I'll bring this to Mr. Iverson's attention. Thank you for calling."

Click.

He waited a week before acknowledging they'd blown him off again. It was time to get serious. It was time to get scientific. Sully knew that if he simply paraded in front of United's corporate headquarters with a sandwich board he would be regarded as a harmless kook.

A terrible crime called for a terrible remedy.