Dear Diary,
So Mike Huckabee wants to run for President? That'll never work. Nobody wins as the "wisest man in Arkansas"--that's like being the most employable women's studies major. Good lord, I hate Arkansas. They couldn't shoot Deliverance there because a state has to have electricity and a few people who wear socks.
Then again, he might as well jump in. The rest of the Republican lineup looks like a casting call for The Bachelor--Dork Edition:
John Bolton: Plus side--he's an expert on foreign policy. Minus--the American people's idea of foreign policy that matters is which island they'll visit on a Carnival cruise.
Jeb Bush: Another Bush? This guy could be Jesus Bush and he'd still be toast.
Herman Cain: Fred Sanford + haircut + tie.
Ben Carson: Brilliant children's physician, gentle and loving, with a nuanced understanding of America's tense mood. I eat "gentle and loving children's physicians" for breakfast, and shit 'em out by lunch. (That goes for "wise Indians" too, Liz Warren. Ya heard?)
Chris Christie: Yeah, it sure is fun to pop off at people. You know what's even more fun? Playing it back in third-party campaign ads.
Ted Cruz: Too late. We've already made Texas a synonym for crazy. As they say at Harvard and Princeton, QED, eh, Ted?
Jon Huntsman: Jon's what experienced political observers call a Democrat. Why don't we swap him for Joe Lieberman and call it a day?
Bobby Jindal: If Ray Romano was from India...
Peter King: Imagine you're in that movie, Pirates of the Caribbean. Everything on the ship's nailed down except for one cannon, and it rolls around firing cannonballs at everybody, friend or foe. Peter King, meet your metaphor.
Rand Paul: Here's some advice: The problem with principles is they leave you no room to maneuver. Get a clue, Rand. (Rand? Really? Not Randy or Randall? Sigh. Whatevs.)
Mike Pence: Yawn. Who? (But I will note that we're still waiting to see a woman or non-white. Unless you count Ray Romano back there. And I don't.)
Rick Perry: History replays first as tragedy, then as farce. George W. Bush, meet Rick Perry. I don't care how successful a governor he was, you don't get to be President looking like a TV preacher who sells used cars the other six days of the week.
Marco Rubio: If Americans wanted a boy Hispanic president, they'd elect that fat kid from Modern Family.
Rick Santorum: Here's a guy so uptight his campaign biography ought to be called "400 Pages of People I Hate, Volume I." Still, anybody who has to put up with Dan Savage gets a little sympathy from the ol' Hill-Dog: Dan Savage, whose idea of a fully developed argument is "If you disagree with me, fuck you."
Forward!
Hillary
The Super-Top-Secret, Extra-Personal Campaign Diary of Hillary Rodham Clinton is stolen each week by Lari Vine, the nom de guerre of an obscure playwright and screenwriter living in Washington DC. This diary is made possible by a grant from President Barack Obama, whose acquaintance with candor makes Debbie Wasserman Schultz look like Diogenes.
Lari Vine is the nom de guerre of a DC-based writer whose influences include Tom Wolfe, Neil Labute, Vince Gilligan, fast food, and the pleasure of making people uncomfortable.
No reviews found.