Dear Diary,

Bill brought home "The Lives of Others" last night from the Red Box. (I guess they didn't have any porn, ha, ha.) It's in German so I didn't get it all, but the gist is a man doing important work for the government becomes a Republican and starts helping citizens to do bad things! It's a tragic lesson about what happens when you stop believing in your leaders. Like I say, it takes a village, but these days it also takes recording devices!

Catching up on a lot of movies over vacation. Mostly disappointing. "Godzilla"--what a surprise! I thought that was going to be about Liz Warren PMSing. (Ha! I kid! I don't know if she still gets periods!) Also: Turns out "X-Men" isn't about transgenders. Kind of a letdown.

I know this race isn't supposed to be about my hair and makeup, but I'm looking more like the Quaker Oats guy every day. Sigh. I used to be sassy--I wore headbands, for Pete's sake! Now they're dressing me like a Lane Bryant mannequin in a mother-of-the-bride suit. Enough with the beige. Give me colors, gosh darn it! I remember when I was First Lady, one day they shut down Forever 21 and let me pick anything I wanted. That was the best time since that afternoon at Brookstone I spent straddling the massage chair.

Speaking of Lane Bryant, how about Mary Landrieu? Is that clueless wonder on the ropes or what? Here's a hint: If you're going to be the senator from some state, you're gonna wanna live there. I don't see how we hold the Senate short of counting the ballots ourselves, and you can only pull an Ohio so many times, right?

Just got back from Harry Reid's clean-energy fundraiser--I mean, summit. Admission? Businesses pay $5000 to be an "exhibitor," which means you get to "exhibit" a five-grand donation to Harry. Clean energy? Please. The only thing getting cleaned back there is money. As in laundered. Give this guy a pinky ring and a blackjack and he'd be Joe Pesci in "Casino." And check out the speaker lineup. I haven't seen this many shady characters in one place since Don Corelone called a meeting of the five families.

As for Harry's "partner" in this, have a look at the brain trust that is the Center for American Progress. What was the last thing they published over there, "The Upside of Authoritarianism"? I'd love to have their aspirin concession, because you can only goosestep behind Obama so long before cognitive dissonance with reality gives every half-sentient Ed.D. over there an Excedrin headache.

Gotta scoot, Diary. I have a book signing in East Hampton, then a grip-and-grin photo at Home Depot. Turns out they've bought 10,000 copies. They're building playhouses out of them! Still, a sale's a sale.

Yours for victory,

Hillary

The Super-Top-Secret, Extra-Personal Campaign Diary of Hillary Rodham Clinton is stolen each week by Lari Vine, the nom de guerre of an obscure playwright and screenwriter living in Washington DC. This diary is made possible by a grant from National Journal, whose idea of being non-partisan is refraining from using the words "Republican" and "cocksucker" in the same sentence.