Long ago in a faraway
land lived an emperor named Obama. He was the greatest emperor the people had
ever known; everyone knew he was the smartest and the most capable emperor that
had ever existed. The only problem was that he had no accomplishments to show
for his greatness. This usually didn’t bother people–they just knew he was the best emperor ever–but
occasionally people wondered, “If he’s so great, shouldn’t he have at
least a useful accomplishment or two?”
One day, Emperor
Obama finally decided, “I should have some accomplishments that match my
gloriousness.”
That was when two
advisors approached the emperor and said, “We can craft for you some
magical accomplishments–the greatest the world has ever seen–and all
we’ll need in exchange is billions of tax dollars.”
This seemed like
quite a deal to Obama, as spending those billions would only put the empire
farther into debt, and debt was just a number on a ledger somewhere and
couldn’t really hurt anyone. So he gave the advisors their money, and they went
to work in a back room in the castle.
After a month, the
advisors announced that they were done. Obama rushed to see the accomplishments
the advisors had crafted for him. “Are they the greatest accomplishments
ever?” he asked.
“They are,”
the advisors said. “For they are magical accomplishments–which makes
them greater than any accomplishments that ever existed before. There’s just
one thing: They are invisible to racists.”
This didn’t seem like
much of a catch, as Obama didn’t care about the opinions of racists. So he ran
into the room to see his accomplishments. At first, he couldn’t see them, but
he knew he wasn’t a racist (he was black), so he kept staring until he could
make them out. “Oh! These are glorious! Truly befitting someone of my
genius!”
Obama then called his
council to come see his accomplishments, telling them that they were magical
accomplishments racists couldn’t see. At first, the council didn’t react, but
one by one they exclaimed, “What wonderful accomplishments! You are now
truly the most accomplished emperor ever!”
So a parade was
announced in which Emperor Obama would show off his new accomplishments, and
the citizens were warned of their magical nature. Everyone was so excited to
see these accomplishments, but when Obama first paraded them out, a hush fell
over the crowd. Soon, though, people began to say, “Oh! Yes! I can see
them! What great accomplishments! Truly befitting such a smart and capable
emperor!”
Everyone cheered, but
one little boy started laughing. “Look at him! There’s nothing there! The
emperor has no accomplishments!”
The crowd went
silent. Then everyone started booing–booing the little boy. “He must be
a racist!” one person shouted. Another cried out, “He must listen to
Fox!” (there was rumored to be a demon in the shape of a fox wandering
about the empire spreading lies about the emperor).
So the little boy was
taken away and stoned to death for being a racist. Meanwhile, the rest of the
citizens continued to cheer on their emperor and his magical accomplishments,
and everyone lived happily ever after… Well, the economy was still in
shambles, and foreign affairs were a big mess, but everyone was pretty sure
that was still the fault of the previous emperor.
THE END
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