Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Progressistan, there lived a girl named Goldilocks, who was considered beautiful by the outdated standards of the white-supremacist, heteronormative patriarchy. Goldilocks lived in government subsidized housing on the edge of an enchanted forest and she would venture out into it to commune with the Earth Goddess daily.

One day she got lost due to the curse of poor cell coverage placed on the forest by the evil Wizards of Koch. After wandering for hours she came upon a clearing, and in this clearing there was a small coffee shop called The Three Bears Coffee Co. It was owned by Papa Bear and Mama Bear, and their son Baby Bear, who they called "Baby Bear" even though he was 24 because he lived in their basement and was still considered a child for insurance purposes. At the moment Goldilocks was entering the clearing, the Bears happened to be in the back having a management meeting leaving only Cris, their transgendered body mod enthusiast barista, out front.

"Great," thought Goldilocks as she walked through the door, "I could use a drink. And I can use their Wifi to figure out where I am."

The shop was empty save for Cris, who stood behind the counter playing with his/her lower lip plug. Goldilocks thought how wonderful it was that this establishment was committed to diversity in the workplace and decided to leave a positive review on Yelp. Scanning the room, her eyes were drawn to a sign marked "Free Samples." Walking up to the table, she picked up a tiny paper cup from the first tray labeled "Hawaiian Bold Vienna Roast."

Goldilocks scrunched up her face when she tasted it and said, "This one is way too bitter." She picked up a cup from the next tray labeled "Columbian Supremo" and gave it a sip.

"This one is very good," she said, "but it’s labeled neither organic nor fair trade. I can’t be seen ordering that."

She tried the third one called "Madagascar Delight." It tasted a bit like warmed over mud, but it was both organic and fair trade so Goldilocks decided it was just right.

She ordered her coffee, commended Cris for his/her bravery and asked which gender pronouns s/he prefers.

"Umm," Cris replied, "I use the pronouns shmee, shmis and shmer because I don’t believe in using the transphobic pronouns of the Christofascist false gender dichotomy."

"Of course," Goldilocks said, "I’m so sorry for offending you, you’d think I’d never taken a Critical Gender Studies course before." She then walked off to find a table without leaving a tip because she supports a living wage, so she doesn’t need to.

Sitting down at a tall, round table by the window, she took out her phone and said, "The Wifi here is too slow." She got up and moved to a large couch near the front door. She looked at her phone and said, "The speed is fine here, but the signal keeps dropping." Finally she moved to a booth in the corner and said, "This Wifi is just right."

Goldilocks intended to get directions home, but first she needed to check her Twitface page. Her friend had posted a link to a fascinating article on The HumptyDumpty Post about how a vegan diet makes men go from being violent sociopaths to becoming somewhat less violent sociopaths. This engrossed her so much that she didn’t notice the door opening.

Prince Ironically Charming strode into the coffee shop wearing a tweed sports coat over a vintage 80s Pac-Man Fever t-shirt, and a long ponytail with his rapidly receding hairline. But his most striking feature of all was that he had the douchiest neckbeard in the whole of the kingdom. Ever since selling his tech company, which designed the app that directs users to the nearest marijuana dispensary, to the Goblins who live in the Valley of Silicon, the Prince had spent all afternoon every day in the back booth using the Bears’ free Wifi.

"Who’s that sitting in my booth?" the Prince whined to Cris. Shmee just shrugged shmis shoulders and continued playing with shmis lower lip plug. As Papa Bear emerged from the back the Prince whined to him, "Who’s that sitting in my booth?"

Papa Bear managed to resist rolling his eyes. He didn’t really like Prince Ironically Charming (no one liked him actually) but he was the only one in the forest who bought their gluten-free muffins so he wanted to keep him happy. So Papa Bear walked up to Goldilocks to ask her to change seats.

When Papa Bear said "excuse me," she looked up with a start. She wasn’t startled because she was a racist or a speciesist, mind you. Just because he happened to be a brown bear didn’t startle her; some of her best friends were large brown mammals. It was just that the tone of his voice was very confrontational and she was put off by such hostile energies.

Papa Bear asked her if she would mind moving to a new table, but she decided to flirt with the Prince as a way to keep the seat with the optimal Wifi signal.

Prince Ironically Charming had never actually talked to a girl before, so her flirtations caused him to immediately fall to his knees and propose. Knowing that the Prince was a rich one-percenter, she accepted his proposal. They were wed a week later and she used his contacts to get into the most expensive university in the kingdom. Upon graduation she divorced him as soon as the final tuition check cleared the bank. She then ran for Governor of the forest promising free abortions for all and mandatory abortions for white Christians.

And they all lived Progressively ever after.

The End

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