Great news! My dream job has just become available. White House Spokesperson. Though, is it insensitive to refer to person in that title? I dunno. Must read up on that in pertinent LGBT literature. Not sure what they have blessed recently. No matter. Must book my ticket soon. Should I travel third class in order to express my solidarity with poor minorities? I dunno. Oh, whatever!

Thank goodness I’m a lapsed Catholic. I’ll know how to genuflect properly when I meet the President. I wonder if there’ll be a font nearby too? Perhaps he’ll let me dip my fingers in his glass of sparkling water? I hear he only drinks Fijian water. Great way to express his solidarity with dark-skinned minorities. Fijians are oppressed, aren’t they? I’m sure someone has oppressed them. I think everyone in that part of northern India is oppressed by someone, or wherever Fiji is. Isn’t it next to that little country where the Dalai Lama lives with all the tall mountains? The Alps, or whatever they’re called? I don’t remember taking geography in public school. There was no time for pointless subjects like that, but I did learn important stuff, like polar bears are endangered and that for every mile you drive in your F250, a penguin dies.
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